I love a juicy grudge.

I revel in the feeling of retelling the story of how someone offended me, explaining how I was angry and right, and how they were ignorant and wrong. It feels so good to be validated, and I am quite skilled at persuading someone that I am righteous in my actions and beliefs.

But the confirmation I seek is utterly wrong. When I confide my thoughts and feelings, I’m not looking for guidance so much as I am looking for more players to join my side.

There is space for honor in working through a tough problem or conflict with a close friend or family member with the intention of finding clarity and resolution. There is also endless opportunity for dishonor when the intention is to perpetuate a false narrative of absolute correctness and to garner supportive members against a common adversary.

At its core, the act of seeking another’s perspective on a situation is not inherently good or bad. It is a very important aspect of being human and is an avenue for creating connection with others. But there is choice involved. There are multiple choices in what words you decide will leave your mouth, and there is a very important overarching choice in what mindset you determine to have before, during, and after the interaction.

What Do You Chose?

False righteous anger brews well before you ever decide externalize what you have already deemed to be true in your head. It starts with playing the story over and over again in your mind, shuffling through the best and worst argumentative points for your side. It is followed by either eliminating or slightly altering the parts that don’t quite work with the end result of “I’m right, they’re wrong”. And it never involves taking a step back and refocusing from the other’s perspective – to do so would interfere with the narrative being built. It would halt the flow of those good feelings of validation. Such cognitive dissonance cannot stand if you are to voice your ‘unbiased’ recount of the issue.

Now that you’ve decided that you’re right, the next step is finding the best person to give your spiel to. It must be someone who will be receptive and affirming – if they are prone to offering counterpoints or playing “devil’s advocate”, they are likely not a top candidate. When you speak with them, you strategize on how to give your argument in the most sure-fire, unopposable manner, but being careful not to overdo it.

You leave the conversation with the very result you walked in desiring. You’ve been validated, affirmed, and recognized as the clear winner, hands down. Now you know you’re not just angry, you’re not just right, but you are justified.

Sound Familiar?

Did anything ring true for you, even just a little bit? Are you confused as to how I know exactly how your brain works? It’s because I am an expert when it comes to this. I am fully guilty of claiming triumph when there’s no game to win.

Sometimes we are right. Sometimes there isn’t an alternative, another perspective to offer a different outcome. But these times are so very few and far between. If you’re feeling righteous, check again. It’s likely a false narrative that fails to consider the other side. You’re likely using the profound concept of righteous anger to rationalize your poor choices, which goes against everything it represents.

Even if we are right, it doesn’t provide a free pass to spew unchecked anger. Read that again.

Forgiveness is Not Contingent On Correctness.

There is a different way. A different set of choices. One that is guided by a heart posture of forgiveness. It is not bound to certain conditions or outcomes. It is a decision you get to make. One you can decide to make from the very beginning.

You can run through the issue in your head, dissecting each facet, welcoming the input of others in the process, after first choosing to enter into the reflection with the intention to forgive. This does not mean that they did not do anything wrong. It does not mean that their behavior is condoned. Just as it does not mean that yours is either.

It means that you are free. It is a choice to be free from the constraints of anger and resentment. It means that you are not chained to such negativity as you process the situation at hand. It is the only way to find true resolution, providing peace through the process.

You can forgive even if at the end, you discover that you truly are right. You can forgive even if there is no apology. You can forgive even if there is no remorse.

It’s Temporary.

That feeling of false righteousness is so good. It’s also so temporary. Eventually, it runs out, sending you scrambling for scraps of validation from any source you can find. You become enslaved to the cycle.

Only when you decide to forgive, do you break it. The good news is, you can make this choice from the very first moment.

It’s a Choice.

Chose to use words of honor and you will find mutual respect.

Chose to take the other perspective and you will find clarity.

Chose to find forgiveness, and you will be empowered with peace.

Speak and forgive.

Ephesians 4:32

With Love,

Lovisa Kay