It’s April 2020. COVID just completely turned our world upside down. Something I never thought would happen, happened – college went online. I’m currently finishing my last semester of prerequisites before beginning nursing school that coming fall. I am amidst tackling my final beast, BIO446L, Microscopic and Gross Anatomy.

Coming into the semester, I knew this course was going to be hard. Especially the laboratory portion of the class. I had heard horror stories about the lab assignments, quizzes, and most of all, the lab exams.

They intentionally make the exams hard so that not everyone passes. All of the questions will be about the most minute, irrelevant facts so you have to memorize everything. Even if you do, it doesn’t matter how much you study, none of the information you learn in class will actually be on the exam.

These thoughts circled around in my head constantly, feeding a fear fueled by stress and driven by anxiety. It was awful.

But, school had gone online. The one, single good thing that came out of this pandemic (which only lasted for a semester) is that all classes got easier. Granted, we were collectively faced with a global disaster – thus, rightfully so.

This meant that for my Anatomy class, our lab final exam was now going to be taken online AND we were allowed to take it as a group with others in the class AND it was open-note. The holy trinity of exams.

Now I’m feeling good. My stress has faded away, my fear has diminished. All is well in the world (well, except for, you know, COVID). There’s nothing to worry about – with Meagan and Railie by my side, a full semester’s worth of notes plus the entire course textbook, I’m golden. Did I mention that I also got an “A” on my last lab exam when I didn’t have any of these advantages?

Exam Time

Meagan, Railie, and I all hop on FaceTime together when it comes time to finally slay this beast of a class once and for all. We just needed to get through this exam in order to close the last chapter before real nursing school begins. All of our notes are open on various computer tabs, Google is at the ready and the textbook is open and ready to go. We do a little countdown to start the exam together at the same time. Let’s do this.

Immediately we realize that this exam is hard. Like, really hard. We can’t find the answers anywhere. Not in our notes. Not in the textbook. Not in our brain cells. Literally nowhere.

So we do our best, and finally get to the last question. We are not feeling that confident but, we are thinking that we’ve at least passed and are hoping for around an 80 or 85. After reviewing all of our answers again one more time, we all agree to hit “Submit”.

I wish I was recording this exact moment in time as it’s seared in my brain for probably forever. Because we were on FaceTime, there was a lag in exactly when each of us submitted our individual exams. Like dominos falling, we each see the results, turn to the camera, and make the same face. I was first. My jaw drops, eyes get wide. Next is Meagan. She does the same. And lastly, Railie.

A 56. We got a 56.

Like WTF?

I can’t help but to start laughing. That was my reaction. I started full-belly laughing. I literally could not believe that just happened. How in the world did we just fail an exam that was online, open-note, and taken as a group? A group of high-achieving, “A” students? To me, that was comedic. Can someone bring out those “What Would You Do?” cameras and tell us this was all a joke now?

I Was Humbled.

There’s a Tik Tok trend going around right now where people list the times in which they’ve been hilariously humbled. For me, this would be at the top of the list. It sure was humbling to be given all the tools to ace that exam but instead completely crash and burn.

I’m going to be honest, that initial period of hysterical laughter quickly turned to shame, embarrassment and humiliation. I had never failed an exam before. I was given everything I needed to succeed yet completely botched it. It did not feel good. My biggest fear coming into the semester had come to fruition. I. Am. Not. Good. Enough.

Looking Back Now…

It was a lie. No test, exam, quiz, assignment, project, goal, internship, job, review, evaluation, failure or achievement defines my worthiness. It stands alone, untouched by this brutal, unruly, and broken world we live in. I am worthy and always will be.

Furthermore, I want to emphasize a message I spoke about in my first blog post. Perfectionism is a weakness, not a strength. It is a roadblock created by the self which only serves to hold back.

All I wanted was to be perfect. Failing that exam shattered my idealization to pieces. Yet I wouldn’t change anything about my experience. It needed to be broken down. Sometimes that is the only way you can begin to build something new.

My something new is to be okay with not everything being perfect. It is understanding that failure is a necessary part of life through which new growth can sprout. Now, do I always approach my crappy life situations with this in mind? Absolutely not. But I will continue to try.

Final Note

I hope this story made you laugh like I did as I stared at my computer screen with a big-ole “F” on it. I also hope that this story impacted you in some way, and made you think about how you approach life’s victories and defeats. Are they what define you? Do you strive to be the perfect achiever?

P.S. I am now the Undergraduate Teaching Assistant for Microscopic and Gross Anatomy and have been since the summer of 2020. Yes, I am the TA for the only class in which I failed an exam. Ironic right?

Much Love,

Lovisa Kay